* update #26 * (Day 297 💗😊 since I died…) so, guess what!?… the “Hunt for the the 5 kidney stones” has now become… the “Hunt for the 8 kidney stones!!! ” 🤔🤓
OK… let’s start with a pretty self explanatory photo (taken by nurse friend of mine who happened to be in ER when I arrived – it is always soooo wonderful to have friends or ex girlfriends in the ER or hospital when you get there for familiar faces and hearts are always such a blessing, especially when you are in horrible pain).
So to make sure that you do not “only see me” – when doing “happy” things like Photo Shoots and social events and enjoying my babies and socializing with my very many friends etc. … and to fully share that my life is filled with very many love and joys… while it is ALSO, and OF COURSE, just like everyone else’s, filled with daily pain, both physical and emotional…
And on this particular day, that physical painnnnnnn was actually like a 12/10 kind of PAIN! 😭 … it was actually like… the MOST PAIN I have ever endured in my entire life! 😭 THAT kind of REALLY EXCRUCIATING PAIN!!!…😭 holy cow this was horribleeeeeee! 😭😭😭😭😭
So, all of this happened just a few days ago, in the evening, after a great and super fun Photo Shoot in Raleigh for one of my medical clients… and suddenly, within 2 hours of feeling “normal”, aka like everyone else, I suddenly was barely able to drive myself and to make it to the UNC’s Emergency Room!… barely able to check in!… and I literally collapsed down onto the floor of the triage, in excruciating pain that lasted for very very longgggg hours… and the pain was THAT BAD despite having already a percocet in my system… Ouaou! what a horrible adventure this was to say the least…
OK so now that I have indulged in that foreword “intro” to set a tone very representative of that particular night, let’s get back to my normal greeting after this tiny intro… and say to you a super loving and caring…
“Bonjour to YOU my dearest Friend! 💓 “
And let’s share today with you a little more health updates… all after spending that night at the Emergency Room of UNC in horrific (did I write HORRIFICCCCCCCCCC? 😉 ) PAIN!
God knows that over the past 9 months and my 5 consecutive surgeries (from heart surgeries to spinal fusion to defibrillator implant surgery etc.) I have already endured quite a LOT of pain as you will have easily guessed… yet, the pain from that night at the ER indeed DID topped it all!
I literally could not breeze and was swallowing air like a puppy who has not drank a sip of water in over 2 years!… the pain was nothing short of… well … unbearable… and after they finally put in the IV (which takes a good 1/2 hour to an hour between the time you get in and you go through admission then triage then waiting for a bed for you then asking you a couple of million questions etc. ) it yet still took a good additional hour for the pain to start to slow down to bearable levels!… and in the meantime, wherever they put me (chair when asked questions in triage… then big chair in transit… then bed etc. ) I was twisting and twirling non stop as one of the most unique “properties” or should we call it “distinction” ? 😉 of kidney stone pain is that… guess what?… it does not stop for one single instant. It literally feels like someone cut into your kidneys with a sharp knife and… guess what?… they do not stop for an instant twisting and rotating that knife once it is inside you! … sounds like NOT FUN AT ALL right!?… well, it is NOT! 😖😪
The culprit of all this?… a 10mm stone (1/3 or so of an inch) that decided to suddenly travel down 6 inches… all the way from my left kidney and down to my bladder and… and, guess what!? just because I am lucky like that (I am being SUPER sarcastic here as God knows I have had endless BAD luck health wise! lol) instead of ending in my bladder which would have been so great and ideal, this large stone stopped… right half way! 🙁
And here are now to share with you a few little tidbits “news updates” following that night at the ER and my appointment the next day with my urologist surgeon… “news” which are … guess what!?… ALL BAD for little me! lol (and by the way, whoever invented that ” so the good news is… and the bad news is… ” expression, needs to please send me a credit refund for the half that I am clearly missing out on! lol )
- the 10 mm. stone stuck in my left ureter is… too big to be passed (aka… peeing it! as most people with kidney stones can usually get rid of them )
- I got an infection in the left kidney which not only is risky and causing additional pain, but ALSO prevents me from getting the surgery quickly as now they need to treat the infection first before starting to get in there… otherwise the surgeon said that the infection could extend to my heart and of course that is a pretty good argument making me reply to him “sure… let’s not do that then! Good pitch Doc! ” 😉
- the “shock waves” lithotripsy treatment where they break the stones with waves inside you and WITHOUT doing surgery is… guess what!?…NOT available to little me since, as the surgeon also put it in quite VERY convincing words ” If we use shock waves on you they could make you bleed to death internally from all your heart issues and heart meds…”
And I said to myself… well… here is another quite convincing sales pitch right!? lol Let’s pass on that option I guess…
…and so the only option left for little me now is… a really REALLY BAD and SCARE ONE… and it is… guess what!? … going up my penis!!! (I already warned the surgeon and nurses that my penis will be the smallestttttt it has ever me on that day… ’cause him (my penis) and I are BOTH going to be equally petrified from them going up there with scope + laser + grip basket etc… 😳😔😥
- now here is yet another quite BIG bad news… since I have 3 to 5 stones in EACH kidney, they actually can NOT get them all in one same surgery!… so I will need to redo this whole process for the other kidney in a few weeks or months 🙁 fun right? or not! lol
- now the WORST “bad news” of all in my book is… the STENTTTTT ! 🙁 😖😳😱😵 I am writing it like this as this is what REALLY freaks me out the most 😳
So here is the deal… during the surgery, the surgeon will insert a stent (about 10 inches long!) to be left between my kidney and my bladder (to help drain from the kidney) and…. GUESS WHAT!?… they will have to go UP MY PENIS once again!… 2 weeks after the surgery… and do so this time WITHOUT general anesthesia or ANY kind of anesthesia… and to grab this darn #@$@^% stent with a grip from a long scope and… PULL IT OUT from inside from my kidney and bladder and ureter… all through my penis! …and let’s be very honest here, THAT does scares the crap out of me! 😳😔😥 (if any of you want to come hold my hand while they will be doing this (I might bite it a tiny bit though!? lol ) PLEASE send me an email… I might take you up to that incredibly sweet offer ❤ – the only requirements for attending are “Have you already seen a little man in horrible pain in your life?… ” + “Have you ever seen a little man with his legs up OBGYN stirrups style? lol ” + ” Do you like crazy medical stuff!? lol (some of my friends and ex companions do, so I know you guys are out there! 😉😊 “. If you do fulfill these unusual requirements 😉 … please email me 💗
- the SURGERY is now scheduled at UNC for november 29th… and I will need to really hope a lot that I do not have every few days a horrific episode like the other night at the ER and until that surgery… but like my ER’s Doctors last night just told me ” just expect more similar sudden outburst of unbearable pain… it is just going to happen again… ” . Greatttt thoughts to leave you with at 3am when you live the ER right ! 🙁
So, basically, from now on and for the coming 2 1/2 weeks, my days and my life are going to include fearing every minute that my constant 4/10 kidney’s pain, might suddenly shoots up to the unbearable 12/10!!! which triggered my past 2 emergency visits to the ER… both last night, and Monday night as well!… talk about “living in fear” of sudden horrific pain! 😌 NOT fun to say the least!
But, just like so many other fears and sources of pain before paving my life’s journey, I will accept it with serenity… and most importantly, not let it make me miss a single instant of immense joy and love and gratefulness for all, while the pain will still remain stable and bearable… while occasionally of course getting down emotionally from it all and as, after gong through that whole process in my 5 previous surgeries already, it is starting to really take a toll on my at times! 🙁 and when it does… I simply accept that I am down and that it just “too much” for the time being and accept my limitations with the same serenity… we all have our limits somewhere… all different… and all equally valid, something SO important to remind ourselves of when we want to extend true caring and true compassion to those suffering around us 🙁
And just like my ER surgeon warned me about as I left the ER for the second time, the odds are very high that such major pain crisis IS going to happen again at least a couple of times between now and the surgery… Oh well! lol
And also, guess what?! (I SO loveeee when young children or teens start their sentence with that… for it is such a perfect intro to get your attention in a cute way 🙂 )
So… guess what!? 😉 God knows, and as so many of you, my so caring friends following my many struggles, already know… I DO indeed have a lot of suffering and pain/health struggles in each and everyone of my days… but… guess what!?… my recent repeated visits to both UNC Hospital and UNC Emergency Room always remind me that… guess What!?… so do MANY MANY other people… and guess what!?… any trip to the ER, especially in the middle of the night, always brings so much inspiration, compassion and empathy to me for the suffering of others… Soooo many lessons to learn, or be reminded of, for our minds, souls and hearts, in simply observing and truly “seeing” and “feeling” the deep suffering of others… NOT the kind of emotions and opportunities for self evolving that you will learn at Target… at Barnes & Noble… in a book… or on the Web… you need to LIVE it and SEE it (with your own heart) and FEEL it… then you have a chance to maybe better yourself from doing so…
Just as I was walking around the ER, trying somehow to ease my pain while the heavy dose of morphine was trying to kick in… (and while also “escaping” 😉 the ER for a few minutes to sneak out and go up 2 floors to get a Starbucks coffee and a little treat to eat for my amazing little sunshine who was hanging out the whole time with her endless love and support – I personally could not eat or drink anything as they did not know yet if I was going to need any emergency surgery but… guess what!? 😉 my baby could! <3 🙂 and so I was SO happy to sneak out to get that for her <3 ).
Anyways… back to my original ” Guess What!?” 😉 (who whispered… “ADD Man Warning!” ? lol )… back to subject… so all while I am walking all around the ER, as soon as my pain went down from a horrific 12/10 … down to a manageable 5/10… WATCHING and “SEEING” and observing others with my heart and compassion SO reminded me, once again, and how such situations always do, of how much deep suffering, and I am talking both health wise, but also emotional wise, is affecting the lives of way too many people 🙁 🙁 🙁
Pain is of course everywhereeeee you look in the ER… but I am also talking about all the EMOTIONAL PAIN and DESPAIR that I can “feel”… everywhere I look… everywhere I walk… and this is probably what makes my own heart cries the most for them… watching a man all by himself, clearly in pain, laying down on a stretcher in between all the doctors… watching and hearing a young teen girl, right next to my own bed (only a curtain visually separating us but of course hearing each and every words of her and her friend and the doctors) being so scared of getting a scope up her urethra as the Doctors were suggesting to check her bladder for possible major infection… and her being so scared of that procedure that she ends up in tears and saying No to it 🙁 … watching a mid age man be rolled in by an EMS team and a defibrillator in his lap… clearly having suffered, as I did just a few months ago, a major heart attack… a young man screaming in pain a few beds down as the Doctors are doing something to his arm… another man, laying down, his entire head and body covered in the thin blanket they give us when we arrive…
There was literally at least 30 people/patients, all over the floor… all in obviously great distress… greater for most of them than my own situation which, as excruciating my pain could be at that time, was still “only physical pain”, with no risk of “death” from it… and also endured with my heart and soul and spirit SOOOO filled with endless love, and endless gratefulness for all the people in my life (like YOU 💓), all the people who have crossed and made my past… all the beautiful hearts I have loved… all the most amazing love and presence in my life of my 2 AMAZING children… SOOOO many things to fill my heart with, even if yes, sure, I am definitely crawling on my bed in horrible pain…
And that’s even without getting in literally a million sources of gratefulness that compose my heart at any given moments… such as my endless gratefulness to even be able to WALK around this ER floor… to THINK with my ow mind… to FEEL with my heart so open and sensitive to all… to SEE with my own eyes… SOOOO GRATEFUL for all those gifts and privileges in my life… many of which, many of those patients, tragically did not have 🙁 and it breaks my heart for them to know so 🙁
Just had a little idea and modest suggestion as I am writing all of this 🙂 So… guess what!? 😉 … let me throw in my 2 cents and a tiny suggestion… the next time that you feel that your life is “horrible” or something is “incredibly bad” at your work… or in your relationship… or in something that in the big scheme of things is NOT THAT truly horrible… why not check in the ER near you?… under any pretext… pay the $300 or so co pay… (which is btw not any ore expensive than paying for 1 single therapy session with a psychiatrist right? 😉 ) and please just look around… truly get it all in… truly observe… with your eyes of course, but especially with your heart, your soul, and your true compassion… please listen to the many moans of horrible pain of many… while “feeling” and sensing the despair of their situation for too many of them… and maybe this little journey will bring a tiny bit of additional, or brand new, perspective to your own life… just as it does to mine every single time I am in a hospital or the ER…
It is all so easy to think that the scratch on our car by a random stranger… than getting fired at work… than going through a relationship break up… or having a UTI… or the flu… or losing money in the stock market… or something breaking down in our home… or your children failing an exam… and I could of course go on and on… are all source of stress and suffering and being upset…. but … Guess What?… they truly are NOT!
Now the lives and the bodies and souls of all my ER’s co patient ARE sources of true great suffering… emotionally and physically… darkness is part of their daily lives… hopelessness is too… and physical pain too as well. THEY really and truly tragically “suffer”… now the not so big unexpected disappointments of most of our daily lives… NO. This is really NOT “true and deep suffering…” and if you doubt it… please don’t take my words for it… and truly jump in and get into an ER… anywhere you live… spending a night there will not in any ways make you miss anything “critical” no Netflix 😉 and … Guess what!? it might change for the better and forever your heart, your soul, and your entire life’s journey… 💓 (and if it does not, please feel free to contact me for a refund 😉 )
PERSPECTIVE is always such a gift to our own hearts and to our way to love others, especially in loving them with endless compassion…. while having ALSO endless gratitude for all the “non truly tragic” small things happening in our lives and days…
Wishing with all my heart for YOUR day to be filled with endless love and smiles…
With much much love to YOU 💓
…sharing with you now a few snapshots of that hellish night (which was still filled with love and caring and support, all from my amazing little sunshine Stephanie being there with me <3 )
…a little midnight nap… in the CT Scan! lol
… starting to feel better with the IV pumping up “magical stuff” lol in my body and start to goof around a little with my AMAZING little sunshine who has been with me the whole time that night to offer her AMAZINGGGG caring, love and support… and while we are both super tired and resting together on my ER’s bed… (it is by then around 2am and we are both super tired… her from her intense academics + her job – me from my crappy health…)
…one CT scan slice showing some of the stones! (white dots inside the kidneys)
…the little monsters culprits! 🙁 still had to believe that I have 8 of those ugly scary looking little things inside me! 🙁
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