* * *  update # 19 – New infection of Defibrillator’s scar which might mean… 2 more surgeries!☹  * * *

Bonjour my Dearest FRIENDS ❤

Since so very many of you seem to enjoy reading about my “post heart attack + 5 surgeries” little journey😏… I thought that I would share with you today a new little update…

On the happy side, my NECK SPINAL FUSION scar (from my emergency spinal fusion surgery, which was my 4th surgery in the past 2+ months – when I suddenly, and totally unexpectedly, lost in a matter of a few hours most of the function of my right arm) from a few weeks ago is all looking good and healing wonderfully…
I still can’t feel anything around the scar (like if a dentist’s numbing shot had taken over in a permanent way the entire left side of my throat), which makes me kind of scared to shave there and cut the skin of the scar as I would not feel it at all until it would start bleeding profusely (due to all my heart medications)…but I took a leap of faith and shaved for the very first time yesterday 😏 (which is an incredibly challenging endeavor now as my right arm can not hold the razor!… and my left arm is in a lot of pain!… so… it took a good 1/2 hour and lotsssss of struggles to get it done! – so, as personal little announcement 😊😉 just in case that it is “fun” for you to shave men? (I know from experience that for some Women… it really is 😊 ) … PLUS if you live next to Woodcroft in Durham (where I live) … PLUS if you are not afraid of big scars… then feel free to contact me to schedule a little shave 😊 why not?…  Oh! and I almost forgot… PLUS I would also need to… trust you with a sharp object on my throat right!? 😉 ) … anyways… so at least that one scar is looking good and healing well, which I am SO deeply grateful for!!! ❤

   On the “less happy” side 😟, the scar and surroundings of my ICD Defibrillator implantation surgery (surgery #5) from a couple of weeks ago… got infected, and it hurts a whole lot again! ☹
Yesterday they had to cut some of it open (see photo) as the drainage was infected and doing so did hurt well!?… a whole darn lot!!! (with no numbing at all) and I am now on strong antibiotics, hoping that I might be so lucky that it will help and maybe clear the infection?…

   … and IF the infection does not resolve then this all could end up being really depressing news, as it would mean that they would actually need to first REVERSE that whole surgery… then later redo it all!!! 😥 (which, for those of you who have read my previous updates and sharings, you will remember that I mentioned how this surgery was, by far, the most painful surgery recovery that I ever went through!!!  the pain for the week after the surgery was pretty much taking me to tears!😥 …even with 2 Percocets every 6 hours!!! It was just HORRIBLY painful! … and even though I am so used to handling a lot of pain in general!).

So, if the infection cannot be contained, they will have to remove the whole ICD defibrillator device… then try to clean all the bacteria’s and infections inside the “pocket” (the size of a small deck of cards) that they cut through my chest’s muscles and tissues… then let me heal… (with the very same amount of pain than the original surgery ☹ ) and then, later, go at it again and REDO EVERYTHING once again for what will then be my 7^th surgery in a row!…

Needless to say… I am NOT looking forward to having to go through all that, especially as it was so hard, both emotionally and physically, to start healing from the past 5 surgeries and my massive heart attack…

So I will very humbly hope that, for once, destiny will be a little kind to me?…  and give me a tiny break from all those endless struggles… and give me at least a few days or weeks of serenity, and less pain…

On the very positive side, from a spiritual and intellectual standpoint, I still feel, every single day and every single moment, that I am “living on borrowed” time… that I am living on some kind of “ extra super lucky ” kind of time… that I am living with the omnipresent feeling that it solely due to nothing short of PURE and IMMENSE LUCK… that I am living this very moment!
In an ideal world where we would all be very wise, and constantly, grateful, ALL OF US should of course be living that very reasoning… and such whether you died 3 months ago as I did… or you never died before.  For let’s never indeed for an instant forget that the fact that we do not get hit in the next instant by a massive heart attack?… or a stroke?… or a car?… or slip in our shower and break our neck on the door frame?… or get killed by a blood clot?… or any of the millions of things that can suddenly and brutally end our lives… or suddenly simply “malfunction” from how so infinitely complex, and fragile, our physiological bodies truly are… is of course nothing short of PURE LUCK and TOTAL RANDOMNESS… nothing else…

I will try one day to write a more detailed post about this very subject, and as so many of you have sent me very many questions in the spirit of “ What was it like to die?… “ – “ How did you feel right before it happened?… “ – “ How did you feel right after it happened?… “ – “ What could you have done differently and to avoid your massive heart attack?… “ etc.
And what I mean by this “borrowed time” concept, and image, is that I am constantly deeply aware, in everything that I do, see, think, feel, and experience through my days, of the most AMAZING COMBINATION of 2 categories of MIRACLES which my every moment are composed of… and being so in the most “mundane” of daily common things and doings… in the smallest of things… in the most discreet of things… in the most subtle of events… in the most inconspicuous of things…
In each and everyone of my thousands of ” daily doings” such as… walking… talking to people… moving my body… brushing my teeth… moving a few steps in one direction… sleeping… waking up… sitting on a chair… placing a phone call… observing the rain drops bounce on the ground… watching for a few seconds a particular flower… feeling the endless magic of the breeze ever so tenderly caressing my skin and my entire being… realizing that my eyes are indeed opening up in the morning, still fully alive, still soooo lucky as to get to live this day, no matter how much pain will be in it.

Let me now share a little bit more about the 2 “categories” of “MIRACLES” which I was referring to earlier…

The FIRST one pertains to all the things which ” DO WORK ” GREAT ❤ and so flowingly… so magically… so harmoniously… so beautifully… so healthily… in my my entire body… in my nerves… in my muscles… in my brain cells… etc…
And the SECOND category to be immensely grateful for, in each and every instant of my life and days, is about all the things that COULD SO EASILY ” NOT WORK ” and that could SO EASILY go WRONG, or HURT, or FAIL… all the millions of random variables that could so easily get me sick or very ill… and yet, which HAVE NOT and DO NOT!  ❤

And those 2 categories are each, on their own, such an immense source of endless and so deep gratefulness… to my every thoughts and every feelings…

I will now share with you, if I may, just one very simple and most basic example of what my mind and soul go through, thousands of times a day… from and about the most mundane of things… all bringing tremendous joy, love and wonderment to my entire being, and from my most simple choice of… AWARENESS of it all ❤

Very many times a day, for example, I am nothing short of AMAZED that my entire car… DOES end up indeed moving forward… when I simply and gently depress my right foot on a tiny tiny (not a typo) pedal!… talk about a TRUE MIRACLE, all being the result of TENS OF THOUSANDS of MIRACLES in my entire body to allow for this to happen… as well as a TRUE MIRACLE from the literally MILLIONS of people whose amazing intelligence and expertise and creativity have ALL contributed to the end result of… moving with AMAZING PRECISION and INCREDIBLE GRACE and SMOOTHNESS… 2 tons of steel and other materials!!!!  Talk about MIRACLES!!!!!!  ❤  all being such an hymn to the Human spirit and the Human race!!!

It fills my soul and spirit with more wonderment and gratefulness than words can ever describe… all from the most simple reasoning here under that I am going to share with you for that most basic example… all as my mind start to think, as the very first step of a CASCADE of thousands of  MIRACLES!!!
So my very first step and thought is… ” hummm?… I would really LOVE for my car to go forward!… “… and I then observe, and am of course in total AWE that my THOUGHTS did indeed, somehow, by an outstanding MAGIC and series of MIRACLES, going to relay to my nerves that information, and that “wish” of my mind, sending it all along and down my spine, then to my leg… then to my foot… dozens of muscles being so vital to, and involved in that most basic action… all resulting in perfectly responding, and conveying, that wish and instructions…  all ending up in my foot suddenly exerting the EXACT AMOUNT of PERFECT PRESSURE on my gas pedal!
A pressure NOT so hard as to propel me forward too violently and making me hit the car in front of me…
A pressure NOT so light as to not move my car at all, leaving it frozen in place, stopping the whole traffic…
But NO, my series of MIRACLES all offers just the PERFECT amount of pressure to make my 2 tons car move… forward… and take me where I wish to go!!!… Talk about such an ABSOLUTE chain of MIRACLES right!? ❤ … and EVERYTHING, times 1,000,  is just like that in my mind and soul, all day long, in everything and anything that I do, feel, see and experience… all making me so deeply and incredibly lucky and GRATEFUL for such amazing emotions and feelings, all of which “cost” absolutely nothing to reach, and experience, but the simple choice of awareness… of gratefulness… and the deep realization than the true pursuit of true happiness is… in the smallest of things… in our CHOICES of HOW WE ARE GOING TO EXPERIENCE the beauties, magic and wonderment of the smallest of our daily doings… filling up our minds, souls and hearts with endless LOVE and WONDERMENT and AWE… all instead of filling our days with bitterness, anger or darkness.

This very small example will, I very much hope, illustrate what I was I was trying to share with you today ❤

I used to already be endlessly aware of such endless miracles in my days, for very many years before my massive heart attack… but now it is all compounded by the omnipresent thought of “ I could very well NOT be here to experience such miracles… ” … I could SO EASILY have NOT LIVED this very moment … “ IF the EMS had taken just 5 more little minutes to get to my house on the night of my heart attack, which would mean that my brain would have been totally fried, and I would either not be here to experience all that magic today… or I would be still alive but as a vegetable!… “
“ IF I had NOT called 911 (I live alone) on that night I would not be here to write these words to you!… “
“  IF any of my 5 surgeries had gone wrong… and I got unlucky… I would not be here either!… ”
etc… etc…
I am sure that you got the overall picture and feeling by now… all being an absolutely MAGICAL and SO POWERFUL ONE!!! ❤

And all of which I am sharing here with you today for one single reason… to maybe allow YOU ❤ to ALSO be more aware of all those MILLIONS of MIRACLES in each and every one of YOUR DAYS!!!!… no matter what that day might bring… no matter how much pain might also be in your day just like in mine… and maybe all allowing you to fill your heart, and your soul, with endless GRATITUDE and tremendous JOY from the mere fact that YOU have CHOSEN to be aware of all that love, beauty, and magic in EACH and EVERY MOMENT of EACH and EVERY ONE of YOUR DAYS! ❤  … and, as an added super great BONUS  for YOU ❤, you can now enjoy all that love and gratitude… WITHOUT even having to go through a massive heart attack and 5 surgeries as I did!… lol

If you will now CHOOSE to rejoice TODAY, even if only ONCE, in ONE SINGLE such MIRACLE in your day, all from the most simple awareness, and deep gratefulness, that your body and mind are working SO AMAZINGLY PERFECTLY and HARMONIOUSLY in millions ow ways… it will all fill my own heart with so much love from knowing that you did so! ❤

Sending much MUCH love to YOU ❤❤❤ as well as to all the people who live in your heart ❤❤❤

pascal

ps: … and should you wish to read my next little updates on that little roller coaster of my health and surgeries journey, feel free to click on the top right menu of my website ” Blog ” for more…

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